Meat Afflictions


If you've ever been to a place like Fogo de Chao, then you know what it's like to to experience a brief passing of glory over your taste buds.

Yet the experience can be Icarus-like as you fly too close to the sun and knock on the door of meat heaven. You know what I'm talking about:

The meat sweats.

When I first heard of the meat sweats, I scoffed, had a hearty laugh at what I thought to be foolish myth. After a particularly gluttonous experience at Fogo, however, I discovered the tales were true. I awoke in the middle of that December night in a pool of my own sweat, smelling like my Foreman grill.

There is a dear price to be paid for hedonistic meat consumption, friends. Unfortunately, meat sweats are not the only negative consequence of single-handedly wiping out Ponderosa's supply of chicken wings at their all-you-can-eat buffet.

With the help of some friends, I've compiled a list of several "meat afflictions" that one might expect after a night of meat binging. These are very real, and not a joke. I would never joke about meat.

You may experience...

  • ...meat sweats.
  • ...meat chills.
  • ...meat jitters.
  • ...meat sweeps.
  • ...meat hallucinations.
  • ...meat eye.
  • traumatic meat disorder.
  • ...meatnesia.
  • ...meat blindness.
  • ...meathritis.
  • ...meat baby.
  • ...meat lung.
  • ...meatarrhea. The worst.
  • ...meatsomnia.
  • ...meat coma. You'll be lucky to come out of it.

If you know of any other meat afflictions, consider it your civic duty to report them to me.

Eat carefully, my friends.