I Fear.

dc

Despite my best efforts, I find myself wrestling with fear far too much. I fear that I am losing more and more of myself, who I am, as life wears me down.

I fear at the same time that I'm not changing enough, that I'm not learning and growing enough.

I fear that I've made too many mistakes in my life to fully recover from them.

I fear that I'll never quite live out any of my dreams.

I fear that all that's inside of me are fairy-tale ideals.

I fear that I've devoted too much of my life to obligation.

I fear what people will think of me.

I fear people thinking I'm a quitter.

I fear people thinking I'm anything less than perfect.

I fear that I will lose my sense of adventure.

I fear that I will succumb to the daily grind, to mundaneness.

I fear that one day too soon, I won't have any desire to run through the rain outside, to dance like a complete ass, to watch the stars, to be free and wild.

I fear being happy (because I'm not supposed to chase that, according to most Christian circles).

I fear being miserable.

I fear that in ten years, I'll look back with disappointment at how I spent my time and made decisions.

I fear that it's my voice I'm following, not God's.

I fear death.

I fear being controlled by the fear of death.

I fear that sinking feeling that my life might be a long story of consistently missing the mark.

I fear a mediocre life.

 

I'm learning which of these fears I need to expel immediately and which ones I can leverage in small doses to keep me motivated. And I fail and succeed with fantastic inconsistency.